| Silencing Your Inner Self-Critic, Compassionately

I first encountered the idea of self-compassion a few years ago. At the time, I was sceptical. Why should we treat ourselves with empathy when we fail or make mistakes? Wouldn’t that make us lazy?

What I discovered is that self-compassion is not about letting ourselves off the hook. It’s about reducing unnecessary suffering and finding a healthier source of motivation than constant self-criticism.

Why Do We Criticise Ourselves in the First Place?

Paul Gilbert, founder of compassion-focused therapy, views self-criticism as an evolutionary survival strategy (Gilbert, 2009). In a tribal setting, if we felt accepted and valued, our inner critic stayed quiet. But exclusion from the tribe triggered it loudly, pushing us to adjust our behaviour so we could belong again. In this way, our brains developed this hardwired threat system to spot flaws and prevent rejection.

The problem is that in modern society, this survival mechanism is to a large extent maladaptive. Social media multiplies the “tribe” from a few dozen people to millions, leaving us constantly exposed to comparison and judgment.

Freud’s notion of the superego—our internalised rules and morals from parents and society—helps explain this too (Freud, 1923/1961). Although the superego has always been a part of the human psyche, it is now swollen with countless expectations from online culture. In the past, signals of esteem leaned toward belonging and contribution. Today, they instead lean toward competition and achievement. We must be successful, attractive, wealthy, unique; and we’re constantly reminded of how we fall short thanks to platforms such as Instagram and LinkedIn.

Having performance as a source of self-esteem is also problematic given how not everyone can be exceptional. The result is that our inner critic often turns vicious, making feelings of deficiency and worthlessness part of daily life. For those with critical parents, the voice is even harsher, echoing conditional affection learned in childhood. This critic becomes like an unwelcome houseguest barging through the door, following us from room to room, pointing out our flaws without end. Over time, this depresses our self-esteem and leaves us vulnerable to anxiety and shame.

Tragically, the self-critic doesn’t only stay inside. As Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion research, points out, we often externalise it (Neff, 2003). To soothe our fragile self-esteem, we may engage in downward social comparison: “Sure, you have a glamorous job, but your relationship is a mess.” So, by focusing on others’ flaws, we attempt to boost ourselves. But this cycle keeps us trapped in negativity, critical of both ourselves and those around us.

Self-Compassion: The Antidote to Shame

Neff proposes that the way out is surprisingly simple: stop evaluating and judging ourselves altogether. Instead of living with an inner critic, imagine replacing it with an understanding, supportive friend. That is the essence of self-compassion (Neff, 2003).

Self-compassion has three elements (Neff, 2003):

Mindfulness: Noticing your suffering in the present moment.
Self-kindness: Responding to yourself with care instead of abuse.
Common humanity: Recognising that suffering is part of the human condition, and you are not alone in it.

Example: You make a mistake at work.

Inner critic: “I always mess things up. I’m useless.”
Compassionate response:
- Mindfulness: “I feel ashamed, and I have a pressure against my chest. This is uncomfortable.”
- Self-kindness: “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me worthless. Everyone makes mistakes.”
- Common humanity: “I’m not the only one who has ever made a mistake at work. This is part of being human.”

The difference is subtle but profound. Instead of staying in a state of shame, compassion helps you interrupt the chain of thought that perpetuates our suffering, and we can go on with our daily lives.

But Isn’t Self-Criticism Necessary for Motivation?

Many people fear that self-compassion will make them complacent. But in reality, it functions much like motivation in organisations. Employees motivated primarily by fear of criticism become apathetic or cynical, while employees motivated by trust and encouragement achieve more. Notably, research shows that self-compassionate individuals hold themselves to higher standards, pursue goals more effectively, and feel more satisfied with their lives (Neff et al., 2005; Breines & Chen, 2012).

This is a sharp contrast to sustained self-criticism that instead leads to shame and guilt. Because if you treat yourself only as a tyrant treats a subject, you will eventually rebel. You will in the long run resist this constant domination. A more sustainable approach is to negotiate with yourself, to acknowledge your limits and strike a balance you can actually live with. Self-compassion resembles this negotiation in that it does not create indulgence but a way of working with, rather than against, your own nature.

From a cognitive-behavioural perspective, the habit of self-criticism as a driver of motivation makes sense. If you’ve always achieved things by berating yourself, you may believe there’s no other way. For many, this is a problem of having a limited inner vocabulary. The task is to substitute the monotone lines of your critic with the language of your compassionate self.

Practical Substitutions

Speaking compassionately to yourself may feel awkward or like wishful thinking at first. This is natural, given how we have rehearsed the critic for years (these neural circuits are have been going to the gym), but being compassionate gets easier with use. Here are a few scenarios where you can try this shift:

When you’re struggling to begin work or study

Self-critic: “I’m being lazy again. I should just focus. Everyone else can do it without making excuses.”
Compassionate self: “I’m not feeling very motivated right now, and that’s okay. I don’t need to finish everything, I just need to begin. I’ll work for 60 minutes and see how it goes. Whatever I get done counts, and I’ll try to give myself credit for starting.”

When your concentration slips

Self-critic: “Great, I’ve lost focus again. Why can’t I just focus like a normal person? I’m never going to get anything done at this rate.”
Compassionate self: “Okay, my attention wandered and that happens. I’ll just refocus and keep going.”

When learning a new skill

Self-critic: “I’m just not smart enough to do this.”
Compassionate self: “This is challenging, and that is normal. It probably means I’m learning. I’ll try my best to keep practicing.”

As you can see, these responses don’t excuse failure, but they reduce our shame and make us more motivated without bashing ourselves.

Closing Reflections

So, in what areas of your life do you judge yourself most? In social situations? At work? In your relationships? Next time you hear that relentless voice, try to pause. Try to notice it. And then, instead of letting the boring inner critic drag you down, try substituting compassion.

And for those philosophically inclined: perhaps shortcomings are not a curse at all. If you had none, there would be nothing to strive for and nothing to aim at. In this sense, imperfection may be the very thing that makes life meaningful.

References

Breines, J.G. & Chen, S., 2012. Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), pp.1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599

Freud, S., 1961 [1923]. The Ego and the Id. J. Strachey (trans.). New York: W.W. Norton.

Gilbert, P., 2009. The Compassionate Mind. London: Constable & Robinson.

Neff, K.D., 2003. Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), pp.85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032

Neff, K.D., Hsieh, Y.P. & Dejitterat, K., 2005. Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self and Identity, 4(3), pp.263–287. https://doi.org/10.1080/13576500444000317