The Best Ways to Fight With Your Partner

Their research went on to uncover many of the mysteries behind lasting love. For example, with 90% accuracy, they were able to predict whether couples would eventually divorce or stay happily together (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).

So, what did they find? One of their key insights was that for every negative interaction in a healthy relationship, there are at least five positive ones. This 5-to-1 balance is what Gottman calls the “magic ratio” (Gottman & Gottman, 1999). In other words, happy couples have far more positive interactions than negative ones.

But no relationship is free of conflict. Even the happiest couples argue. What matters is how you argue. Gottman and Levenson discovered that not all negative interactions are equally damaging. They identified four specific behaviors that, when repeated over time, make breakups much more likely. Gottman gave these destructive patterns a dramatic name: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman, 1994).

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond pointing out a problem, it also attacks your partner’s character. It often focuses on traits that are hard (or impossible) for them to change.

Example:

“You always make everything about you. You’re just so inconsiderate.”

Next time you need to raise an issue, try this:

Use “I” statements. Instead of starting with “You,” focus on your own feelings:

“I feel upset…” This avoids sweeping generalizations like “You always…” or “You never…” that can feel like an attack on their personality rather than behavior.

Also try to be specific. State what happened, when it happened, and how it affected you:

“I feel ignored when I’m talking and you’re looking at your phone.”

Make a clear request. If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want instead?

“I’d appreciate it if you could put your phone down when we talk so I know you’re really listening.”

In addition, Gottman suggests that you should be polite in your requests. Small words like “please” and “I would appreciate it if…” go a long way. Finally, let your partner know when they are doing something right. Appreciation reinforces the positive aspects of your relationship.

2. Defensiveness

It’s natural to want to protect yourself when you feel unfairly criticized, but defensiveness often makes things worse. It usually shows up as a counterattack or as playing the innocent victim.

Example:

Criticism:

“I’m sick of doing everything myself. You never help around the house!”

Defensive counterattack:

“Oh please, I do plenty. You’re just obsessed with everything being perfect. Maybe if you weren’t so picky, it wouldn’t feel like so much work.”

Defensive victim:

“Why are you attacking me again? I’ve been really stressed lately. You act like I’m lazy, but you don’t even see how much I do try.”

The problem with defensiveness is that it dismisses your partner’s concerns instead of addressing them.

Instead of being defensive, try taking some responsibility for the problem, even if you don’t feel responsible. For example:
“I hear you, and I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been helping as much lately, and it’s unfair to leave so much on you. Let’s talk about how we can divide things more evenly.”

3. Contempt

Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce (Gottman, 1994). It shows up as mocking, name-calling, sarcasm, sneering, or eye-rolling. Contempt grows out of unspoken resentment that builds over time, and it conveys moral superiority and disgust.

Example:

“Oh, so you’re going out with your friends again? Typical. You clearly care more about them than me. Why am I even in this relationship if I’m always second place?”

A better approach:

Focus on your feelings and your needs:

“Hey, I’ve been feeling left out lately. I miss spending time with you. Can we plan something soon - just the two of us?”

In the long run, the best antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Make a habit of expressing admiration for your partner:

“I really appreciate the way you hug me when I come home from work. It makes me feel so welcome.”

4. Stonewalling

Picture this: you walk in after a long day, and your partner starts in:

“You’re late again. The kids were a nightmare. You said you’d help more, but you’re never around.”

You feel overwhelmed and think, “I can’t take this right now. If I say anything, we’ll just fight. Better to stay quiet.” You shut down. Silent, distant, avoiding eye contact.

That’s stonewalling and it happens when one partner emotionally checks out because they feel flooded and can’t cope (Gottman, 1994). The result is that you’re physically present, but you’ve stopped engaging in the conversation.

The antidote: Self-soothing

When you feel overwhelmed, say:

“I really want to hear you, but I’m feeling drained and need a few minutes to clear my head. Can we take 20 minutes and then talk?”

Take a walk, shower, or take a walk around the block until you feel calmer. When you return, you’re more able to listen and respond, and the conversation is far more likely to stay constructive.

Final reflections:

The Four Horsemen show up in every relationship from time to time. But it is important not to let them become the default way you communicate.

Here are two lessons from the Love Lab:

Don’t sweep issues under the rug. Bring things up early. Even small annoyances—if left unspoken—can snowball into resentment and eventually contempt. A friend of mine has a rule with his partner: never go to bed without talking about what has been bothering you that day. It prevents small issues from festering.

Communicate more, not less. None of us are mind readers. Many conflicts can be avoided by clearly stating your needs. As Gottman puts it: “Instead of hoping your partner will guess what you need, or read your mind, tell him or her specifically what you would like” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Knowing these strategies is only half the battle. In the moment, how do you know what your partner really needs?

Author Charles Duhigg, in his book Supercommunicators, suggests that every conversation is one of three types: practical (solving a problem), emotional (sharing feelings), or social (about belonging and identity) (Duhigg, 2023). If you misread which type it is, you’ll end up talking past each other.

So next time, before jumping in with solutions, try to ask:

“Do you want advice, or do you just need me to listen?”

Finally, reflect on your values:

Try to ask yourself: What kind of partner do I want to be in conflict? Kind, respectful, patient?

Let that answer guide your next words. Over time, that simple pause can change the way you fight. :)

References

Duhigg, C., 2023. Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection. New York: Random House.

Gottman, J.M., 1994. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Gottman, J.M. & Gottman, J.S., 1999. What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, pp.169–201.

Gottman, J.M. & Levenson, R.W., 1992. Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), pp.221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N., 1999. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.